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Healthy Relationships This article is about creating and maintaining healthy relationships of all types: romantic, friendship, and business. The same basic principles apply to all three. They all require understanding and communication. So let's take a closer look at what these components really entail.
We often think we understand what a person is communicating without realizing that our personal experiences and beliefs are altering the message. For example, a person hearing advice from his parents may perceive it as an effort to control, whereas the same advice from a friend or peer will be accepted as friendly advice. The message is the same, but the perception changes. A spouse or partner may say, "Not tonight, honey, I'm tired" and this may get translated into "I don't love you any more," "I'm having an affair," or "You just aren't attractive tonight." So the meaning of the message can be transformed / misunderstood. The actual words can also be misinterpreted. We think we're speaking the same language, but our brains are not dictionaries, and even if they were, many words can have a wide variety of meanings. "Success" to one person may mean financial abundance, to another it may mean financial abundance and prestige, and to another it may mean achieving small personal goals with integrity and compassion for others. When someone says, "I'll help you later," he may mean tomorrow or next week, but the person may be thinking he means in a couple of hours. How easily disappointment, frustration, and anger can seep into a relationship over what a simple communication means! To complicate communications even further, there are cultural and gender biases deeply ingrained in our beliefs and perceptions. Few people in American society are totally free of these biases. There has been much improvement in the past few decades, yet we still have a long way to go.
When we say or do something with the intention of communicating a particular message, how do we know if we succeeded? What can we do if it seems we were misunderstood? How can we attempt to communicate better? The best determinant of the success of a communication is the response you get. If it seems you were misunderstood, try a different approach until you get the response you desire. This places the entire responsibility of communication on the communicator. This is a belief system I learned in my Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner training 20 years ago, and I have found it to be essential to effective communication. Here's a basic example. If you flip a light switch and the light doesn't go on, flipping the switch repeatedly is unlikely to elicit a different response. You have to do something different: change the light bulb, flip the circuit breaker, pay the electric bill...whatever action leads to the response you are seeking. Blaming the light bulb certainly won't help. Flipping the switch more adamantly won't help. Only accepting responsibility and taking appropriate action helps.
Knowing when to stop is also important. You can overcommunicate and drive your point into the ground. Now the recipient of your communication has gone beyond understanding to overload/boredom/aggravation. I'm guilty of this. I tell my kids I want them to clean their rooms, and I'm so wound up about it I don't quit when I'm ahead. This element of communication can be tricky, because sometimes the desired response is not immediate. Learn to calibrate your communications according to the situation and the recipient. Give the person time to come to his own conclusions about what you have said. Remember the axioms, "Pressure creates resistance" and "You can't push the river." People do not process information in the same way or at the same rate. Some go through a more logical process, which is usually faster; others go through a more holistic process, which involves deeper thought and more processing time. This applies to feelings as well as thoughts and decisions. Some people cannot immediately tell you what they are feeling. But give them a little time by themselves--an hour, a day, several days, whatever time it takes them--and they are more likely to be able to answer your question about what they were feeling and what made them feel that way.
Communication--both verbal and non-verbal--is the basis of all relationships. When there is effective communication, there is rapport (understanding, connection). When communication is ineffective, misunderstandings occur, feelings can be hurt, trust can be damaged, closeness can slip away, protections--walls--can build up, and most importantly, rapport is broken. Without rapport, there is no communication. Without communication, what is a relationship? Yet people in relationships miscommunicate frequently. Have you ever listened to two people you don't know arguing? It is often amazing to observe the dynamics of such an argument: the pettiness of the argument's basis, and even more surprising, sometimes they seem to be arguing about something on which they agree! That's when you can see how personal beliefs internally mess up communications. The people can't even tell they agree on the subject. They think their viewpoints are opposite. Sometimes it's easier to see the mistakes we are making in other people. When other people's communication mistakes come to your attention, pause, "stand back" a little, and allow yourself to become aware of ways in which you make the same mistakes. You may be surprised to find some similarities. Keeping a non-judgmental attitude towards yourself helps you understand yourself better and lowers your resistance to making the changes you want.
Healthy relationships are relationships between two healthy individuals: people with good self-esteem who have nothing to prove to themselves or to others. Satisfied, contented people, which isn't to say they are without ambitions, but that they drive their ambitions rather than their ambitions driving them. Healthy relationships are based on honesty - primarily honesty with oneself. Honesty with others proceeds from that. The same is true of love. A healthy love and respect for yourself is the foundation of love and respect for others. When you have a healthy relationship with yourself, you are better able to have healthy relationships with others. You have the inner resources to be flexible without diminishing yourself. You find the inner balance a martial artist has which allows even a small person to remain upright when pushed by a larger and more powerful person. The person without such balance can easily be pushed over--even by someone smaller and less powerful! Finding and maintaining your inner center of balance is crucial for maintaining balance in your relationships. By now you've undoubtedly noticed that I'm putting all the responsibility on the communicator. Yes, it's a lot of responsibility, but in all truth, you're the only person you can change. When you change, others are likely to change accordingly. However, I must be clear and tell you that there is risk in change. If you become more true to yourself, will others still want to be with you? Objectively, the choice may seem simple and obvious: be true to yourself, and if others don't like you any more, that's their choice. Reality, however, tends to be more subjective. We don't want to lose those we love and value. We don't want to be alone. The best solution is proceed at a comfortable pace, offering mutually beneficial adjustments in your relationships. Present your spouse/partner/friend with a solution in which both of you gain something valuable. Bad
example: "I'll stop nagging you if you take out the
garbage without being told." Another important aspect of improving your inner self first is that it can eliminate external problems. If you have low self-esteem, your feelings may be hurt more easily, or you feel jealousy, due to your insecurity. Be your own best friend first, and you will not be unduly suspicious or jealous. When you are well-balanced internally, and you experience hurt feelings or jealousy, you are better able to deal with the situation in a forthright manner, and more likely to succeed in communicating your feelings and finding resolution. Of course, this doesn't mean the other person doesn't also have personal issues to deal with. They very well may. You can tell them what you want in your relationship, you can ask them to make changes, you can offer mutually beneficial solutions, you can set a good example, and most of all, you can learn to keep your own sense of equanimity amidst turmoil. This alone can begin to elicit the changes you are seeking in your relationship. You remain calm instead of being goaded into a fight. You can let the person rant/vent, then calmly state or restate your position. Practice good diplomacy in your relationships. I could go on and on, but instead, I'll leave you with a useful exercise for truly understanding (and forgiving) others, and a list of books and resources where you can find more information. First, the exercise.
Sit by yourself in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed. Close you eyes, take a couple of slow deep breaths, and relax a little. Recall a recent situation in which someone said or did something that hurt your feelings. Not anything too traumatic, but something about which you felt uncomfortable and which has not been resolved. Recall the situation as fully as you can, what you saw, heard, smelled, tasted--any sensory information you can recall. Then focus your awareness on the other person. How they looked, sounded, etc. be aware of yourself observing them. Now switch places with them. This is sort of tricky to describe: you suddenly switch from being yourself to being the other person, seeing yourself through their eyes, feeling their feelings, having their thoughts. Stay with this until you feel you have gained all you need from the exercise. Experiencing the situation from the other person's perspective can give you profound insight and understanding. This experience goes way beyond thinking you understand the other person. It allows you to "walk a mile in the other person's moccasins." If you find this exercise difficult, practice a bit to see if you can master the technique; it is truly worth the effort!
Here are some books I highly recommend, plus other resources you may find helpful. You may be able to get the books at your public library. Or you can order them online at Amazon through the links provided below.
...more Communication Skills Books
This
section is devoted to books on introversion and high sensitivity
in relationships.
The
Introvert Advantage The
Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child
Books
by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.: Books
by Kyra Mesich, Psy.D.:
Balance
Your Brain, Balance Your Life: 28 Days to Feeling
Better Than You Ever Have Change
Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program
for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger,
and Impulsiveness The
Sedona Method: Your Key to Lasting Happiness, Success,
Peace and Emotional Well-Being Happiness
Is Free: And It's Easier Than You Think! Happiness | Yoga | Meditation | Relaxation
& Meditation Books on CD | Healing
Music |
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Influencing
with Integrity
People
Skills
